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And So It Begins...

Posted by hedgey , 04 June 2012 · 1608 views

If I'm understanding this blog thing, this is an appropriate place for me to do my rambling and ranting, instead of in forum threads. This way, when I go off on tangents, I'm not derailing someone's thread and/or possibly getting someone's question waylaid and lost.

If I'm wrong about what this blog is for, someone tell me!!

But I think this is for thing like:

The other night I was at the stove stirring something. DH was beside me, cutting veggies and we were talking about how I miss my mother because she had a special knack with the recipe we were doing. DH put his hands on my shoulders and was consoling me but he had his hands too close to the back of my neck. I freaked out.

This isn't something that has happened very often with DH, but if I'd had a knife in my hand instead of a spoon, he would have been seriously hurt. I don't want to go into details, but an Ativan helped me get back down from the ceiling, and he was very understanding. But sad, because it was sad for him to know he could make me feel so terrible. He understands because he has the same kind of response when approached from behind or grabbed suddenly.

I'm feeling despondent about it. I struggled, struggled, to keep my reaction under control, because I didn't want to distress him. Just thinking about how I felt makes me tense and I can feel rage simmering. I need to go take a damned pill now.

Then they (therapist, VA, family) wonder why I don't want to go out.

This was in my kitchen, in my home, in my bunker, with my best friend and dearest partner activating the monster response.

Uff.




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Sergent Emmons
Jun 27 2012 12:24 PM
I here ya m8 I dont go out much and react with out thinking as well...luckily it's been mostly my mouth..
but it makes it hard on my wife, she is super! and understands that I don't have the control of my emotions like most other folks.
I am working on stopping my self from having knee jerk reaction to a negative situation but now and then it just sneaks out of me..many of us have this problem and each of us has to find the mental tools to help us
over come it.
I don't think we ever get over it really just learn to mask it and hide it from others.

good luck on this issue

Sgt Emmons
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So it's been a long time since I posted at all. It's been really dark around here since our daughter moved out. Well, mainly since the fight, though it wasn't that so much as finding out how desperate she was to get away from us. I haven't let myself think about it too much . My therapist is always trying to convince me that I'm important to my family, but it's getting hard to hold onto that. My daughter was the only reason I kept on living for so long. What do I do with knowing that its been hell for her? My husband saysvhe needs me, but how can that be true? I'm afraid to move to turn my head. I'm writing here because it's not paper that anyone can find or read, they don't knoe this is here and won't read it. Words are always misunderstood and confused. Better I should be going.
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I think this is the best place for this, because now I know I'm not the only one that feels this way. 

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