I don't know where to turn from here. I am really starting to believe I am going to lose this war inside of me. I called to cancel an appointment for a doctor that I've only seen once, and was pretty fair even though I had some bad reactions to the new meds, but I just can't process the added paranoia of simply walking in the VA anymore. It's just too much.

I'm not intending to play oh woe is me. I really do prefer to fly under the radar with everyone, and everything, but I can see nothing but a grim outlook on my being able to get appropriate help, and to effectively cope with this.

I would describe myself as having arrived at the end of my rope, and wrapping a knot around my wrist because I am to the point of believing my ablility to hang on by myself can no longer be trusted. Then the question comes into focus: What am I hanging on for? Is this the devil whispering in my ear? If so the son of a bitch can be useful while he's here, and organize my med records from me pickin out the pages relevant to my last c&p exam. No free rides dammit.

I often wonder if I am where many have been in the fight, and since those who I am reffering to are gone, without the final chapter of their story being told, I can't help but question where that point of no return is, and If I'm just on the otherside of it. Everything in me says that I am, and it's only a matter of time.

I don't even care about being patriotic anymore, or being proud of serving honorably, I just want this all to go away, and never have to look back again. It's a nightmare that just doesn't end.

I catch myself fantasising about martial law be declared after some kind of event that causes major civil unrest, and pickin' off luters from my balcony with my kalashnikov. I know how to sieze thoughts and evaluate them to see if they are irrational or not, but when they are just so intensely intrusive, it's extremely hard to take them captive, and throw out. I know I dwell on them too long sometimes before I do this.

I had a chat with a doc, a little while back about using booze, and greens to put myself in a state of incoherance as a method of escape. I still continue to, and it seems that it's the only thing that keeps me from offing myself. He said that when I get pie eyed my emotional filters become pourous and will let in thoughts of suicide that I would normally take captive, and discard. I really am just the opposite. If I'm not flyin' high, (not talking about mania, just feeling the euphoric buzz that has become my friend) then I'm in a tailspin, and the trees begin getting bigger really fast.

Where do I go from here? I don't want to go back to the VA for treatment as many times in the past I've just walk out in an even more pissed off mood. I don't want it anymore.

Would like to find a private doc who doesn't have an agenda to progress in. Is there such a thing?

Ryan,
See where your nearest Vet Center is located, you can access
therapy there.
As far as meds go, none of the Vet Centers I am familiar with
write RX's.
carlie

I'd been to a vet center before in wyoming and wasn't too impressed. It was more like gossipy social hour than anything. But that was just one counselor, and since I've heard good things about them I might give em' a shot here in Denver.

x
x
x

Have you filed a mental health claim yet? What are you service-connected for at 30%? ~Wings, still flapping ;-)

Ryan:

Hang in there things will change and you can get better. Late summer is always a rough time for me. I don't know if its the heat or what but really a struggle sometimes.

Even if the Vet Center did not seem so hopt before give it anther chance.

Ryan, it took me around thirty years to go back to the VA for help and glad I did. I started group therapy about a year and a half ago. I didn't think it would be for me and I was mistaken. The group of guys that I attend with are great and we all have the same thing in common, PTSD. It was a little rough going at first and I was never good in large social meetings atmosphere. My counsler is outstanding and am so glad to be in her group. We are all Vietnam vet's, as they don't mix you with the younger vet's fron Iraq or Afghanistan. There is one guy in the group who never talked very much, if at all. He went through some serious things while in VN, as a marine. He went to the the 12 or 16 week program for PTSD and he graduated out of that program. When he came back to group last week, it was not the same guy, you couldn't shut the guy up, we were all laughing about it. He said it really made him look at things differntly and glad he went, but was glad to get out of it. Very strict you live at the VAMC for the whole duration and go home on weekends. No achohol or greenies there. Also I believe you get a higher rating from what I understand. It's not for everybody, but you may want to check into the programs they have. Just trying to help.


t&b

t&b

Yes, there are private doctors who just want to help. They are not going to judge you. It is better than 15 minutes at the VA every 3 months for a med check. Find a pyschologist who talks and does not just hand out drugs. That is what I did when I got back from Vietnam and it saved my life.

Yeah, I've been through the residential program in Sheridan Wy., and was going to the vet center for group/individual therapy in Casper Wy, for about 6 months last summer, and got a sc of 10% for combat related ptsd.

I lost the ability to have faith in this rating system to be fair about the accual disability.

Dr. C.D., who is a PTSD specialist in Sheridan at the VAMC, was the HMFIC for the residential programs, said I was an ideal cantidate to slip throught the cracks. She said some people's conditions accually get worse from trying to navigating the VA, but it's the only system available. She was obviously right.

I moved to Denver in late march with the hopes of finding more options concerning getting help, and have just basically been wasted off and on since I've been here, so I really haven't given Denver a chance like I did up in wyoming. I am rather concerned of what my response would be if things went the same here, so avoidance is my safety net, but is a double edged sword, because I do need to do something as far as treatment since my safety net isn't so safe anymore. (Didn't take long)

I called the Vet Center this afternoon, and am awaiting one of the counselors to call back to maybe set up an appointment. Just not real hopeful since they are gov. funded too. That means there are personal agendas. Been around enough to know that much. We'll see.

Vet Centers are separate from VA although they get their money from VA. VA can't even peek at your Medical Records unless you ok it

Hmmm. Like I said I didn't plan on getting my hopes up with the Vet Center.

Found out that they in fact do use a shrink there that works at the VA too, and I've not heard back from them reguarding my inquiry on the 14th.

I know two people who have worked at the VA here in Denver one for about two weeks before quiting, and the other for about 2 years. These two people, one of which I am related to, work together now at a low, or no income hospital called Denver Health. They said Denver Health is a little better than the Denver VAMC which isn't sayin' much.

Big suprise. I'm going to find a private doc/therapist.

Ryan,
How does your 30 % SC break down ?
10 % PTSD and what else?
carlie

My right ankle / lower calf 20%.

I'll be cruisin' along and all of a sudden when I step on my right foot it's like it's not even there. My joint pops out and my foot can accually move front, and back when holding my leg still. Was an accident during training.

I had been awarded this when I first got out. Going to put in for secondary for my left knee since my knee cap is shoved up from landing on it a bunch once they give me the shaft on my appeal.

No, I'm not making up this stuff about my experiences with the VA and Vet Center for something just to grip about. Just sayin'.

Put in a claim for increase for your PTSD. You also can go to the Mental Health Clinic there in Denver. It is run by the state. Keep an open mind. I don't use the VAMC but I got into treatment with a private doctor. Fits like a hand and glove. There are usually group sections in the community. Call 211 (United Way),they will make a referral.

211. Haven't heard of that. I'll try it. Thanks.