I haven't been on this site since about a month ago. I was suicidal and wanted to lash out. Since then the people around me that I had learned to trust has violated that trust. I went to my va psychiatrist to get help...I also called the hotline and ended up hanging up on him (I don't know why...all I can say it's a matter of trusting who really knows what to do.) I'm tired of explaining how or what I'm feeling. It's not a matter of what I'm feeling...it's a matter of how out of control my head/brain/thinking is. If it's quiet-there's a loud buzzing sound in my head. I turn on the radio and/or tv so that I won't hear it. I get so angry. Just excuse my jibber and let me let you know who I am. I am a u.s. army veteran and have been diagnosed from the va psychiatrist with PTSD in 2003 I did not file for compensation until 4 years later, Feb 2007, and was notified just a few weeks ago 70%PTSD. The va counselor insisted that I sign a few forms (Unemployability and Vocab Rehab???) I really don't care about all this. What I care about is my life...my anger. I hate living like this. It's very hard for me to even think of setting foot out of my front door without my insides turning upside down. I had a trigger 4 days ago (more disturbing than all the others) sent me reaching out because I felt like hurting someone (instead I went out to the parking lot with a bucket of paint and starting smearing profanity words all over the persons vehicle---haha this was about 2:30am). I warned him I'll kill him in his sleep. I really wish I could but I'm too caring. I've been on line hunting someone down planning his accidental death. I've told this to the va psychiatrist friday and wanted to be locked up/put away...but was told the mental facility is consisted of two wards and overbooked. It was suggested that I get a hotel room away from the stressor/trigger and get better food than what the the facility could ever offer. What? It's not about the food or getting away...it's about pain and how I'm planning to self medicate (with killing or be killed).

Can anybody tell me how they survived this craziness (if it happened to you??) After the military I joined the civilian police force (training was very hard to get through-cadre thought I was out of control or maybe weak/crazy/emotionally distrubed) They graduated me anyway. Reported for duty intoxicated (this time I let it be known) confronted innocent people then had an altercation with the luetenant (supervisor) on duty-got in my vehicle and revved up the engine while he was on the sidewalk and scared him. Made me laugh. Aimed straight towards him. haha. I had earlier threw down my weapon I dared him. I was crazy and stupid. But that's what I mean...I don't want to know how far my thoughts will become reality. Guess I don't have to tell you what happened to that so called job (to protect--from me??)

I take flouxetine and buproprion. I was on Aripriprizole (sp?) but my va psychiatrist says I need to feel my feelings so took me off of it earlier this year. Doc explained wanted to put me on as little meds as possible and use the grounding skills taught at Menlo Park, Cali (inpatient 2006). Grounding skills...another temporary power of the mind va solution. Now they want me to return and talk about the trauma in depth because they feel this is best. I can't it's turns my brain into a food processer (maybe that's where all the noise is coming from...haha). Anybody out there that can relate?? please email or comment back. sorry for the blah blah. Take care and God Bless.

my3jcc

I had a flash back one night of a stressfull event went to VA to ER. The doctor laughed at me and told me to leave there was nothing wrong. She was very rude and didn't care at all. The same hospital that I am being seen for mental health I was so ticked. Told my doctor about it at my next appointment and the Dr said that was not good that a ER doctor would not take it serious and laugh and tell you to leave. Not sure if the dr still work at ER or not but is she does she need to be FIRED!

Go to the VAMC ER and tell them that you are going to kill yourself. They have a duty to admit you. If they won't admit you then sit yourself down and don't move until they arrest you or admit you some place. Then sue the bastards for malpractice. They MUST take care of suicidal vets. They lied to you. They divert vets all the time to private hospitals under fee base.

Thanks for the response...I mean it thank you. It's good to know someone is out there...but also a surprise. I see what your saying--that I should go and fight for this. But when does this power trip end with the va?? All I want is a chance...to live normally as can be. But I will give it another try.

The doctor on duty that was laughing told me I had to leave the property. she was a a**. But i take my meds now and doing better. Only get like that twice a year.

my3,
Another thing is to tell them that you are in the process
(as you stated in your post) of making plans to kill
someone else.
This is homocidal ideation at it's highest.
Their job then is to admit you under the Baker Act
for your protection and the protection of other's.

You'd have to be very careful doing this though because
the cops could also try to arrest you for conspiracy
to committ murder.

I don't care what mental health service's try to say,
I say PTSD is for life but as Pete53 says the main thing
to try and learn is better ways to respond to stressor's.
We are the ones in control.


jmho,
carlie

Thanks carlie for this info. I feel like I'm cornered into making a decision that could relatively give me more problems to deal with. But I guess that's not the point I should be focusing on. You mentioned "...to try and learn is better ways to respond to stressor's". I'm wanting to know this. What am I not trying that I should be doing? Where else can I go to be in more control of my actions? ER...I think might take care of this present problem but are there other learned areas that could help me after I get out into the real world again?

Thanks had-it,
my3jcc

Jcc here in kansas the VA has contracts with differnt mental health hospitals. I was in a town one night and got around a situation that i brought up my emotions I called the police they came and got me. They took me to a local hospital and when they found out I was in VA care they called VA and got me to the VA with in 12 hours. But I know how you feel dude. Before service I had no criminal issues or behaviral problems. I got out of service and with in one moth I was arrested for open container. Than I had 2 duis since service. I also have assult charge that I got when a guy grabed me from behind me around my neck and i blacked out and started punching him took 3 guys to get me off the guy and calm me down. I was never like that prior to service.

It's strange that you mentioned you get this twice a year...you made me realize that this time of the year from August to January was when I was exposed to a matter of survival and leaned towards dissassociation just to live through it. If you don't mind me asking-what meds are helping you? And as far as medical staff...I feel like 95% of them haven't been there and only text book junkies. I hope you continue to better health and wish, I, one day could say the same. Thank you.

my3jcc

i am on citalopram. My dr gave me differnt ones to try and this is the one i been on for the longest period. I also try to avoid things that might bring up the emotions. My worse period is July-Sept.

Public Intoxication is a familiar road. Driving under the influence never bothered me...even when I was pulled over the cops knew my car and would let me go (just because I was once on the force). Little do they know I needed to be locked up and instead would let me go back on the road this was not helping but added to my obnoxiousness (sp?) and feeling of being invisible. That I could do anything to anybody without having to face any consequences for my action. I can see how I've been crying out for help.

Where do we go from here?
my3jcc

I been very fortute except for the one DR at the VA that laughed at me when I went there one night cause I was haveing troubles. But other than that I been very lucky with help. My reg VA doctor is very understanding. Have you tried a patiant advacote(spelling) maybe they could voice your concerns and help you get in the VA

I think it is malpractice and should be a firing offense for a VA doctor to turn away a vet who is either suicidal or showing signs of great distress. I read constantly how the military is trying to prevent suicide. Did the VA not get the message?? I think soldiers have the public's eye, but vets can be forgotten. There was one here that Carlie mentioned who treatened to blow up the local VARO. The VA made a federal case out of it. He was off his meds. Half the vets in Florida probably have thought about blowing up that joint except then never called them up and said it.

That kind of thinking is exactly what I'm saying. The more I have expressed myself the more I feel like I'm being tested from this va psychiatrist. I also think that "what does the va want me to be...go totally psycho on them or does va really want to help?" Me going for help hasn't been easy. I don't just wake up in the morning and have breakfast and happy to be alive...I know this is not the case for the total va system...but from my end...the impression is quite down grading it's like as if I owe them something. What ever it is that's bugging this psychiatrist I wish this attitude would be directed to the source of the cause. Maybe ptsd is to overwelming for some psychiatrists to handle on a day to day basis (seeing numerous vets a day 5 days a week)

My dear brothers and sisters in arms. I have been getting treatment from VA for over two years. I started out in clases,(bs much of the time) it is generic. but you got to go thru it.
learn about meds, learn about food, after you have taken all the crap some is good info. you got to dig deep. and if your answer is I NEED HELP. I went to the va. and ask how I see a doctor, I was asking a doctor. she said we do group therapy here in VA. I went home to set up a group appointment. I miss it. I called back againg and beg to be put in the group. The attendant said it was up to the DR. I ask for His name, and with that info. I called Him Direct. He decided to see me. And once He remember me from the class year back when. we are working. One thing I do when I need imediate help, is to change fucos. Another tool I used is SUDS: Subjective Unit Of Distress scale, Goes like this from 0 to 100 where are you at on the scale with a given situation. I Know BS when rent is due, no food in your belly. Understand. But if we can calm ourself we can go to the next best step. Finding food or shelter or just tell our love one we are sorry. Hey what ever works. If you talk to a psycologist, most time they never dissagree with you. They find common grounds. then we can work. work is painfull. Sometime I am sorry I open the Can, Is like peeling an onion, confortable at the begining. But; it will make you cry in the midle. Meds and talk seems to take the edge off most days. the thruth is my lovely granddauther is all the peace I need. I also do breading in and out. just concentrating on the breath. If we get of track and we will, just bring it back to the breath. feel it goin thru your nose , coming out your mouth. don't do it in the dark you will fall asleep, Morning, if we can, and dont judge, just go with it. It's name is Mindfullness Brothers and Sisters. A Talk With God Is Much Better Than The POPO. with all this I said. I still stayed inside the house, I dont Sleep, I eat everything in the house. Sometimes I wish I could go back to the desert. I was at my best. Oh. avoid maladaptive thoughts. I write a lot. example: I say nothing good is happening; That is a lie. Take care much love to all. Go 3rd heard 3rd AD C co 122 MSB

I dread August but it is really when it gets hot that puts me in stress. Don't know why either it has just always been that way.

I think the VA has limited resources, and when you go there for psychiatric treatment you are competeing with many other vets for time. You have to really ignore all the roadblocks they throw in your way and insist on treatment. The idea that they only have group therapy is a laugh. They just want to herd vets into these groups to stretch the personnel over a larger group of vets. The VA has a hard time retaining shrinks because they treat them like crap. All this talk about how seriously they take PTSD means they are undertreating every other mental health areas. It is like the VA has focused all their attention on TBI/PTSD from OIF/OEF and everything that does not fall into that category does not exist. My VAMC makes that very plain. You call them and you get the "welcome home OIF/OEF combat vets". Does that mean all the other vets are not welcome? I tell you I don't see lots of 20 something vets flocking to my VAMC. What I see is older, poorer and sicker vets.

That is a thought I totally understand. I was an Infantry Platoon Leader in Iraq back in 2004-2005 and I was damn good at what I did when I was over there. All of my evaluation reports put me in the top of the pack of my counterparts and I felt and knew I could do anything. I came back from Iraq and moved through a variety of staff jobs and I could feel things begin to not be so easy for me but I was still capable and did alright.

I stuck around in the Army until October 2007 and got out and hoped that civilian life would be the answer and that things would be normal and happy for me. I quickly got a great job, bought my dream house, and got my wife pregnant. Things were going great for a while. In July 2008 I got a letter in the mail saying that I was being recalled back to active duty and instantly things went to crap. Immages came back, the dreams started up again, and my ability to work began to falter. I went to the VA and, fortunately, got right into the system immediately. The VA rated me at 30% disabled and diagnosed me with chronic PTSD. The Army was still trying to call me back to active duty and I was continuing to go downhill. I started to really freak out and call the Army personnel management people several times a day to find out the status of my deferment from active duty recall packet. Finally, when I was really drunk, I called them, was on the phone with some SGT and told them what I was going to do if they sent me back to Iraq. I expected the police to come and arrest me, but instead I got a phone call 15 minutes later from an O-6 saying that my recall to active duty had been dropped and that I needed to get help immediately.

For a while things felt like they got better. My wife gave birth to our daughter and I was ecstatic. This wore off and my symptoms never really went away. Several months later my mouth got me into trouble at work and they suspended me. I really freaked out on the people when they told me I was going to be suspended and that I could be fired, but fortunately I didn't hurt anyone and they gave me three weeks of paid leave. The VA boosted my rating to 70% and I returned to work. Things continued to go downhill at work and I was hardly able to do my job anymore. I needed to frequently go home to cool off or to sit in the break room for an hour or two just to get it back together. I don't know how I managed to keep my job so long. Eventually they decided to fire me on 8 October 2009 and here I am. I knew that it was comming and I started planning my suicide but, for whatever reason, I was in a really good mood when they fired me and I didn't freak out. I actually felt kind of relieved to be out of my job as it was a huge stressor. I worked in a loud warehouse and so many things were always getting to me. Pushing this one cart made a sound that sounded just like my Bradley Fighting Vehicle when the track hit the road and it would put me in a daze. People yelling was probably the worst. Since then I've had the opportunity to stay at home and hang out with my now 1-year-old daughter. As long as I'm playing with her I'm alright. She really calms me down and keeps me civil. Honestly, she is the only thing that I give a damn about in my life. I keep having crazy thoughts, but I know that I need to stick around for her.

All day long all I can think about is the war and it is all I talk about. Whenever I actually go out my right hand always feels so out of place and that it needs to be sitting on the pistol grip of my M-4. Out of the corner of my eyes I constantly see stuff that I know is not there. I'm always alert and ready to react, but there is nothing to react to and I just can't turn it off. When I'm out in public with my family I usually do alright, but when I'm out and by myself then I really start to bug out. I try so hard to keep it together around my wife and my daughter. My wife knows that I have a rating of 70%, but I'm pretty good at hiding what is bothering me and how bad off I am. As long as I'm with my daughter I can keep it together.

I've gotten to the point that I can't even make myself take a shower or brush my teeth. My wife has to yell at me to get me to move and do that much. Trying to find a job is nearly impossible. I just sit and look at the job listings and can't move. I have piles of bills that I need to pay, but I can't even get around to opening them. We put our house up for sale and I'm just waiting for things to happen to me as I can't get around to making them happen for myself. I went from being a stud when I was in the Army to a guy who can't even make himself change his own clothes or take a shower but once or twice a week.

I submitted a request for 100% unemployability from the VA when I first lost my job. I've been meaning to go to the social security office to apply for disability there, but again I can't get myself to leave the house to take care of anything substantial. I did get myself out and apply for unemployment and I get the checks in the mail, but I can't even get around to depositing them into my accounts...

In a lot of ways I feel like a phony and that I shouldn't have all of these issues. I just don't understand why I can't get it together. I'm young, still in great shape, smart, and well qualified for a lot of jobs out there. I just don't know what my problem is.

Fortunately my local VA really has been there for me. When things get bad I go and just hang out with local OIF/OEF program people. As was mentioned a few post back they really are working hard to care for a "hoard" of OIF/OEF vets and, as one, I've gotten some pretty decent care quickly. However, also as was mentioned, I almost never see another young veteran like myself. Most of the people there are Vietnam Veterans and beyond. I'm very sorry to hear that the VA isn't as easy for you guys who have been struggling WAYYYY longer than me with your issues as it is for me.

I don't know if the care they have given me really has been making me whole again, but at least I feel better for the short term (i.e. a few days after seeing them). I honestly feel that they care about me and want to help me get my life back on track. I just don't know if it is possible. The biggest problem I have with getting help is I'm just so tired of dealing with it all. I wish I could just get hypnotized and forget everything.

Again I'm sorry that it isn't as easy for all of you to get into the VA for the help as it is for me. Truly.

I'm sorry for the rant and I hope I somehow added to this conversation.

brother, if you are feeling suicidal or homicidal you must check yourself into a hospital, go into the emergency room and tell them you are feeling homicidal and or suicidal and that you need to be checked in. the hospital is the safest place for you and others right now. go to a civilian hospital if you have to, call the va hospital and ask to speak to the psychiatrist on duty and get some help man.

i can not stress this enough you need professional help. i have had to check myself into the hospital before it is hard but not impossible and you can and should do this.

Check yourself into the VA hospital if you have to lay down on the floor. I mean it. Let the SOB's arrest you. Tell them if they do not admit you then you are going to kill yourself, or them.....now!

Victor C3, Please, take care for yourself and yours. Change the bad thought imediately, don't play with it. I feel you thru and thru. I found myself in many situations you talk about. I still dont know why I am not well; But I came a long way. And so will You. Your baby, does to you, what my 8 months grand do to me. Keep working with your group. You are cared for by many. we are a special breed. keep working. and love yourself. My E-mail anytime. The Guy's are right check yourself in for help if you are on that point. Much love.